Because reality is too...real.

I had a great Christmas, spending time with Dan and my family that time of the year can be fun. Awkward too because of impending divorces but that's my family I guess. Best present...well the big computer that Dan and I bought has been a lot of fun for gaming. I also got Enchanted the movie which made me happy because I've been dying to see it with Dan forever since he never had. I love that movie. Anyway that's all I've got on reality because really who wants to hear about my getting sick on and off all the time(which I wonder if people believe me really-but whatever)
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I step outside(don't worry A.D.D won't let this be too long) and breathe in the cold air. I'm not generally fond of the cold, but I've been in the castle so long. My furs are almost...suffocating. So much so that it feels like the cold air is caressing my face. Taking me in it's icy embrace and I enjoy the sensation for the first time that winter.
I'm going to meet my finance. It will not be the first time. Of course I'm not going alone. But I'm not going with a very large retinue either. No one particularly cares when I come and go-which is mostly fine by me because I'd usually rather go. It's only my illness of the last week that's kept me inside. I mount my horse, a black and white paint and my few guards do the same on their rather larger Percheron steeds.
Breaking out into a steady canter we arrive at my fiance's estate near two hours later. His home is a beautiful Tudor with gardens around the front and left side with a stables and fields on the right and in the back. Of course the stables weren't just for horses he had 10 head of cattle. 3 milking and 3 beef and 4 oxen. My favorite are his oxen. They are shaggy Scottish highland. They have the sweetest temperament and of course all that fur is very endearing-much like a favorite stuffed animal. They are the very opposite of his milk cows. Those Duth-Friesian divas. Bah. Try and push you around as soon as you get within three feet. As for the beef I try not to mind them, otherwise I'd just get attached.
After taking care of my horse and visiting my favorite oxen I brace myself to go inside. Don't mistake me, my fiance is a wonderful man. Charming, funny, sweet and respectful. But he wasn't the man I had been in love with last year. My family never knew we spent so much time together, if they had I don't know what would have happened.Nothing inappropriate had happened. He had enough money. They might have married me off to him. But he would have had to ask for my hand. For some reason he never had.
My current fiance had been taken with me the moment he saw me, or so my father had told me. He asked for my hand within eleven months. I saw him on occasion and gradually we had begun a friendship. This friendship has been growing ever since and it's one I'm truly glad of. I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life happy here though.
I walk into the elegant front room and am received by his family graciously. His sister tells me he'll be right in, he was just outside reading his favorite book. There is a tension inside of me and I can't figure out what it is. I'm really happy to be there with my dear friend. Well in he finally strolls in and boldly grabs my hand and takes me out the back saying he has a special surprise for me. After rushing along, half running through the white fields and by the ice covered trees we come upon a blanket laid out with food. Thankfully our furs and a small fire was also there so we could keep warm.
I smile with delight telling him how surprised and happy I am. Wondering how he knew all my favorite foods. He told me he's been making a list of the things he noticed I liked and didn't like from all the times we had been together at his house or mine. I thought about this, realizing I didn't really pay that much attention to the things he liked so much and felt a bit guilty. We continued to eat our meal and then he brought out a book, askinig my permission to read some of it outloud. I said that was quite fine as I liked books as well. So we read a better part of the afternoon and when we needed a break from that we talked. We talked about all sorts of things. I made sure I paid special attention to things he mentioned he liked and did not like so I could remember them for later.
As it was winter it grew dark early that day and the fire wasn't enough to keep us warm, so we shyly moved closer together. Then the tension came back. That feeling in my stomach that told me something was going to happen to make things change. The tone of the conversation turned more serious as we talked about our families and friends and former loves. I had told him some about the last man I thought loved me. He took all this in, never judging,just listening to everything I had to say. At the end of my rambling I had tears in my eyes and I realized something. If the last man could not tell me he loved me then how deep were his feelings. I knew I had to test my fiance, no not to test him, I just desperately had to know. So I blurted out,
"Do you love me?"
He looked a little surprised, but then thoughtful. He took my hands in one of his and with his other lifted my face. I didn't want to look into those beautiful eyes for indeed that day they were like the most brilliant sapphires I had ever seen. I'm not sure how I didn't notice before, but I was too embarrassed to meet them now. But he whispered my name with such kindness and such, such...I didn't know what else but I had to meet them to see. And once I looked into his eyes I knew the answer.
"Yes. I love you and I have for so long now.
Do you love me?"
I had to consider. I knew that it wasn't perfect yet but that I wanted it to be, I wanted us to grow closer together. But what to say? I knew I could tell him what he wanted to hear. But I decided the truth was better now. So I whispered to him,
"I don't know"
He seemed to accept that and squeezed my hands. We just sat there in silence for a little while longer and I knew that while it wasn't a perfect love nor exactly the answer he would want I knew that it would grow to be very soon, and that was something I couldn't wait for.