From the tiger to...

You see. This is where I really am right now. Frozen stiff and afraid. Afraid that my dad has cancer. Afraid my back will never get better and I'll more often than not be in extreme pain. Afraid that the acid taste in my mouth for the last few days is going to give me ulcers in my esophagus. Can you be afraid that you're a hypochondriac?
I'm afraid that I'm going to screw up my relationship with Dan. I'm so demanding and I don't show my love enough. I don't appreciate him like I should. But I love him so much. I'm afraid to move back to Grand Rapids with him. To be close to his family. I have trouble with female leadership. I know most people would say get used to it. But I've had so many older women try to run my life without gaining my respect that I don't want another mother, or aunt or whatever. I don't want to be bossed around, to made feel less and to walk on egg shells. I want to run my own life, my own family. Not to say that some of the women in my life haven't loved me and respected me and mentored me in a gentle kind way.(I tell myself that in MI I'll be glad to have Dan's family around...at least I try to) I am so very grateful to my Mommy-o and a few aunties that have helped me along. But the rest...best left undescribed.
Where was I? Grand Rapids. I'm also afraid I won't be able to find a job. I'm going to be the main bread winner and MI has one of the worst job economies. Even if I do find one what are the chances I'll like it? Will I be able to make friends if the old ones aren't there anymore? Do I want some of my old friends? I made a lot of dumb choices and I don't want to have to face up to any of them. Not that I will necessarily but could. People issues are so complicated. I wish I hadn't left them alone. Though she's not there anymore. The one I called friend until I got bored and looked for new ones. That's what happened. She tried so hard to reconcile but I couldn't. But I don't think she's coming back. Wow I'm sure rambling...I should go to bed now. "Goodnight sleep tight I'll see you in the morning"